My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Randomize
