Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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