Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
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