C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
