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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
