all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize