Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
that's an acceptable place to lick
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
