I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
