Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
