if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
