rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
