Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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