listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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