Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
