Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
