Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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