Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
