I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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