The brown eye won't let me do that either.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
