How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
as a side note pls kill me
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
