Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
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