I love how my cats smell like pot.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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