The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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