the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
