Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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