NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
