I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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