She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Verdict: uncircumcised.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
