I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
