Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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