i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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