Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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