I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize