just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
