I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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