tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
