why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
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