god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
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