i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
