you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
