I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
