his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
