I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Randomize
