at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I believe in your delicious
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
