If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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