I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
