Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
