Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
