wanna go halves on a baby?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
