I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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