can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
