if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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