Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
