Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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