is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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