Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
